Monthly Archives: January 2016

you’re my calm in the chaos

Seven weeks ago, I was focused on getting the house in order – ┬átearing off wallpaper from the ceiling in the central room of the house, only to have my preschooler and toddler have a confetti party. And I actually cared the house wasn’t staying immaculate.

Seven weeks ago, I knew I would love this child I was carrying, but whether it be not feeling as connected not knowing the gender or just being plain busy cleaning up that confetti, I just didn’t quite know where I’d find room in my heart.

I should have known that hearts can stretch just like skin and yoga pants. That just as the seemingly consistent waves of the ocean can overtake a beach when the tide rolls in, love can spring up instantly out of seemingly nowhere.

Now you’re here, sweet boy.

The wallpaper is half hanging off my walls, the crumbs sit, my jeans don’t quite fit, and the laundry can wait. When you’re awake, I just want to watch your eyes dance as they take in this brand new world. When you’re asleep, I just want to hold you, all scrunched on my chest.

The house is more chaotic than I’d like, the days go too fast and the broken-sleep nights too slow. I don’t have the energy to think about who I am at this moment. One day soon, I’ll need an escape from the constant caretaking I’m doing. But right now, all I need to be is your mom.

I’ll admit, I thought adding number three to the mix would up the crazy factor. But I was wrong. You, buddy, are my anchor to what is really important. You remind me to love selflessly. It breaks me to realize all you had to do was arrive in this world, and my heart didn’t just make room – you have the whole thing. There was never a question … I loved you from the start.

I can’t comprehend that God loves me the way I look at you for just being my son. I pray harder now because this world matters – for you.

I’m sure the laundry will be piled up just a little higher now with your tiny clothes, and we will be even later now everywhere we go. But as I watch you pull your long, yet fragile fingers to your cheek as you sleep next to me, I realize you haven’t made our lives more hectic.

You, my sweet, sweet boy, are the calm when everything that surrounds me is overwhelming chaos.

Welcome, Campbell Ray. I love you.