Monthly Archives: October 2015

when perfect isn’t working

It sneaks in as a little voice in your head – starting as admiration, but quickly turning into the green-eyed twin monsters of comparison and jealousy.

You were having a rough day, and stopping by her house made you feel better – at first. Until you started noticing she already had snacks made out. There were no piles of laundry on the floor, the couch, or probably not even hiding in the dryer. And she was all sporty looking and ready for a walk.

The drive home and entrance into your own house seals the deal. The undone laundry, exhaustion, and lack of a dinner plan – other than a ‘buffet’ of ‘whatever y’all can find in the fridge’ taunts you. FAILURE. A quick recap of the day reminds you that while you were busy having your mini-meltdown, your still-not-potty-trained child was eating her boogers in public.

But, really, it’s not the lack of listening, fear of botulism by boogers, or friend I know well enough to know she’s only 95 percent perfect, that put me in the driver’s seat heading off the crazy cliff.

It’s me. The complete reliance on the voice of destruction – the one that comes to steal and kill and destroy. As soon as I let the voice in, I don’t just turn to it. I sprint full force to it’s beakoning. And then I can’t stop. I leave the door wide open for it to operate my every thought.

The destroyer voice hides behind lovely things – the longing in my soul to want things beautiful and organized and to just have it together. I try so hard, but even in the brief moments when I arrive at that place, it never satisfies. It’s just a mirage.

I hide behind my accomplishments and what I can get done instead of nourishing relationships. I make busy and perfect my idols. And I almost burn down the house because I forgot I shoved the dirty dishes in the oven before the next time I turned it on.

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Today, I needed some quiet space. To get back to potty training and letting my blonde heads help with saucing the apples that don’t care whether or not they’ve been rotting on the counter. To wash my soul with the words of the one who comes to give me abundant life. And to forget about washing the windows.

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my favorite part of the day

IMG_0679There is a still where heaven wakes up the horizon with its pink sunburst.

I went through a stage in life where I did not like to be alone. Now, I savor waking up while it’s still dark and enjoying the quiet. I usually like to experience this alone. But on the off-chance that I’m not making custom breakfast orders for my littles, hurrying them along to preschool (a six-course spread for my tiny-but-hungry four-year-old, and milk – just milk for my two-year-old) and Matt hasn’t already left for work at 5:30 (when I say I enjoy the morning, I mean morning, not before six – which is still the middle of the night according to my standards), we get to share that moment together.

When asked for his description of paradise, Johnny Cash offered this six-word description: “This morning, with her, having coffee.”

Just me and him. Too dark to see the dirty dishes. Too quiet to hear the footsteps and giggles, moanings and ‘Mommyyyyyyyy’s.’ Too fresh to be annoyed by the trash sitting by the door, waiting to be taken out. Too calm to be frazzled about the day.

And I remember. I remember the lack of distraction of life that was present when we fell in love. How we’d talk about things other than the kids or if he was going to be home for dinner or which clothes need washed that day. That he needs me and I need him.

I remember that we don’t need words to connect. That when we’re just together, it’s really not very hard to laugh. That underneath keeping up the house and the farm, the middle-of-the-night wakeups, the few extra pounds since college and the pow wows to go over the budget … again, I’m not just his wife, I’m so proud to be his girl.

His strength and provision give me the energy to face the same routine as most of my yesterdays in this season, and to be thankful for this life we get to lead, together.

Thank you, Mr. Cash, for putting into words so simply and eloquently, the only paradise I really want to experience this side of heaven.

johnny cash quote